My heart was beating out of my chest. My hands were shaking. Was this how my life was supposed to end? He was standing about 20 feet away from me in the kitchen holding a 10-inch butcher knife. He began walking towards me, knife pointing in my direction and he mutters, “you deserve to feel pain like I do right now.”
I wish I could finish this story, but my mind draws a blank. For the life of me, I can’t remember how I calmed him down or convinced him to let go of the knife. I wish I did. Looking back I think my mind blocked the memory of the trauma. What he said sent me into shock and I’m positive my body went into survival mode.
He was mad at me because he found out that I kissed a few guys that he was “friends” with. By “friends” I mean acquaintances, these guys knew my ex- had a screw loose. They were just nice to his face because they knew he was crazy. Truthfully I would have never kissed these “friends” of his, but I was not in the right state of mind at the time…aka I drank too much. Also, just to clarify we were on a break when all of this happened. He was out kissing other girls as well. Neither of us were in the wrong.
After the knife incident happened, he left and texted me a few hours later. I don’t remember his text word for word because I was so shaken up, but I do remember the gist of it. He told me he was feeling suicidal and if he died it would be my fault. Feeling confused, broken and guilty I went over to his apartment because I was afraid he would kill himself and it would be exactly what he said…my fault.
Once I was there he proceeded to drown himself in alcohol and snort lines of prescription pills. Before he would snort a line he would look at me and say, “see what you have made me do”. Like I was to blame for him turning into this monster.
Side note: He had a metal box with a lock on it where he kept all his prescription pills and there were at least 20 different pill containers in it. I never asked what they were for but I did know he was prescribed clonazepam. “Clonazepam is used to prevent and control seizures. It is also used to treat panic attacks. Clonazepam works by calming your brain and nerves.” He gave it to me once when I had a bad headache. It made me super dizzy and I remember I felt off. (keep this in mind because it is important)
The knife ordeal was one of many traumatic incidents I went through with him. He was a very angry person and when he drank he became worse. He would push, shove, and occasionally choke me. There was even a time when he tried to cut his wrists with a razor blade in front of me and in an attempt to stop him, he “accidentally” cut my thigh. That night I took photos of my thigh to document his abuse, only to look at my phone the next morning with every single one deleted.
This was by far the darkest time of my life and it’s hard to believe it got worse. My moods began to change…I became angry and frustrated. Overall a miserable person. I held in any feelings I had but still stayed with him. I don’t know if it was the threats or physical abuse that made me stay, but in general women in abusive relationships almost always go back to their abusers…and the really twisted part? Even go as far as protecting them despite the horrible things they do. I know this because I did it. I kept everything about the abuse a secret and put on a front. I wanted everyone to believe I was happy when I was with him, even when I wasn’t. I felt miserable. I felt silenced.
In my last blog post (The Beginning Pt. 1) I mentioned my ex-pressured me to drink…all the time, even when he wasn’t drinking. I could not understand this, why would he force me to drink if he wasn’t drinking? It just didn’t make sense. Until a year or so ago…it all became clear…and I completely burst into tears. I’ll tell you all about it in my next post.
“The Beginning Pt. 3” coming soon.
If you are in a situation similar to mine and don’t know what to do or how to get out, visit this website where they have a 24/7 hotline and many online resources. I am also ALWAYS available to chat and I would love to help you out with anything you need. Abuse is way too common and it NEEDS to stop, lets put an end to it.
Another resource I think is great – It’s Online Therapy in the comfort of your own home! I LOVE this because some people are scared to make the move to go into an office to get help!
Click HERE to check it out!