Tennis season had just started and I knew something was different. I was playing tennis four hours a day every day and competing against other Division I Universities on the weekends… I was busy and in great shape. But when I would walk up five stairs it felt like I just ran a marathon. By now it was mid-January and my period was due but I just had the weirdest feeling that it wasn’t going to come. No matter what I would tell myself, I could not shake this feeling that I might be pregnant…
If you are just joining me now for the first time, refer to my first blog post The Beginning Pt.1 and start my story from “The Beginning”.
February 1st, 2015 I went to the CVS in Provo, Utah to buy a pregnancy test. The first pregnancy test I have ever bought. I went back to my apartment, alone, and read the directions with a pit in my stomach. I was so scared. I didn’t want to take the test in that moment, I wanted to vanish in thin air.
I took the test. Set it on my bathroom counter and laid on my bed. The lights were off and I just laid there in the dark, staring at the ceiling. I was afraid to check the results. After 30 minutes I finally worked up the courage to check my test.
Upon first glance I was relieved…”I am not pregnant!”… or so I thought. Then I looked closer. The second line barely appeared on my First Response pregnancy test. NO. There’s NO way. It must be a mistake. Maybe since the line is so faint I’m not actually pregnant? Maybe it’s a false positive. So many thoughts were running through my mind.
I grabbed my laptop and turned on some of the saddest songs I know. For hours I sat in the shower in complete darkness and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.
The next few days I kept to myself. I didn’t tell anyone. I don’t think I truly believed it myself. I waited another week and took another test because in my head I thought just maybe the first one was wrong.
Scared again, I took the second test. The second line was no longer faint, it was dark black. Two very clear black lines. The test practically screamed, “Mayci you are 100% knocked up!” My life as I knew it, felt over.
Teen pregnancy. That was something I never thought I’d endure, it definitely was not something I had hoped for myself. When I found out I was pregnant I was in a dark place. I often wondered what would happen if I miscarried… would life go back to normal? Could I pretend this never happened? I felt terrible thinking about this, but I was so scared.
I finally got down on my knees and begged God for help. I was praying so hard and it was the first time I had done so in a long time. I pleaded with God, asking him to help me. I was so lost I didn’t even know what to do. I felt punished, “why this was happening to me? Haven’t I dealt with enough?”.
SURPRISE ARIK, I’M PREGNANT
It had been well over a week since finding out I was pregnant and I decided I should probably tell Arik now. I was SO nervous to tell him, especially with another baby in the picture. We were in his apartment laying on his bed. My anxiety was through the roof.
“Arik, I need to talk to you about something…my period never came, so I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.” Surprisingly, he was super calm. “Are you serious? Don’t worry it’s all going to be ok.” His assurance made me burst into tears.
He explained that he wasn’t worried about the situation since we had already talked about marriage before I got pregnant. He suggested we get married sooner than we originally planned. He was so supportive of it, more than I was. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder if he did it on purpose because he was so calm and collected.
Once we were pregnant we spent a lot more time together. Almost every night despite living 35-40 minutes away from each other. When I was with him, I wasn’t worried about the future or even the fact I was pregnant. But when we weren’t together I was in a constant panic.
I had so many feelings, fears, and shame. There were times when part of me wanted to jump in front of a car so I didn’t have to deal with this situation anymore. I was depressed when I wasn’t with Arik. I didn’t know if this was going to work, or how long I should hide this from everyone. I was so conflicted in my mind, and I didn’t know how to handle everyday choices.
Like I mentioned when I was with Arik, I was okay. Arik was super cute about the whole pregnancy. He made me feel SO good when I was with him. He would always kiss my tummy (even though a bump ceased to exist) and tell me how he was so excited to have a baby with me.
We would talk about our baby and what SHE would like. YES, we thought Hudson was going to be a girl-haha. No reason for thinking it, I originally just wanted a girl. Arik would always rave about how she would have the most beautiful blue eyes.
ITS OFFICAL OFFICIAL
I had my first ultrasound on February 23, 2015, aka my 20th birthday. Tennis practice ended early so I got the last appointment of the day at this place called the “Pregnancy Resource Center” in Salt Lake City. I chose to go there because it was free and wouldn’t show up on my parent’s insurance.
I brought one of my girlfriends with me because Arik had baseball practice and couldn’t come. I decided to tell my girlfriend I was pregnant because I needed support, especially at my first ultrasound.
The first thing they had me do at the center was pee in a cup. They tested my urine to make sure I really was pregnant. They came back and confirmed that I was. There were two ladies in the room with me and my friend and I thought one of them was some kind of therapist or emotional support person.
The first thing the lady asked me was, “so how do you feel about being pregnant?”. Fighting back tears I said, “well not good, since I didn’t want to get pregnant.” I am pretty sure their job was to keep girls with unwanted pregnancies from aborting their babies.
Next, they took me into the ultrasound room and I was SO nervous. At first, I saw just a blob on the screen. I didn’t think much of it or even consider this blob to be a baby. Then the ultrasound tech zoomed in…
I saw arms, legs, eyes, fingers…this was a REAL FREAKING BABY IN ME. It was so surreal. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh, be happy or be sad. I never felt a connection to this thing inside of me until I saw it. At this moment I finally felt attached to this life growing inside of me.
The ultrasound technician said that my baby was about 9 weeks and 5 days along. Which means that I got pregnant around December 17th, 2014 – which was finals week at BYU before Christmas break.
By now I became a little more comfortable with the idea of being pregnant with Arik. Maybe because he reacted so well to it and maybe because we kept it a secret. We didn’t have any problems or drama to deal with as long as we didn’t tell anyone. Now I was no longer in denial about being pregnant, but I was still in denial about having to tell people… especially my parents.
NEXT WEEK: HOW I TOLD MY PARENTS I WAS PREGNANT AND THEIR REACTIONS ETC.