If you are just joining me now for the first time…welcome! Before you continue on, refer to my first blog post The Beginning Pt.1 and start my story from “The Beginning”.
As previously mentioned in my last post, as I started getting closer to my due date I became happier. My depression was a lot more bearable and I didn’t struggle with day to day activities
However probably like any soon to be mom, I would sometimes get anxiety if I could do it. More specifically, if I could handle doing it all on my own. Some days I was one hundred percent ready for him to come, and some days I felt like I needed more time because I wasn’t ready.
I was only 20 years old! That is extremely young to be a mom. Growing up I wanted to be at least 25 before I even thought about having a child.
Before getting pregnant I had dreams to do a humanitarian trip somewhere like Morocco or Belize. I also wanted to do a summer internship in London, or somewhere where I could be independent and gain some amazing life experiences.
I had all of these ideas and things I wanted to do in my life before I got married and before I had kids… and now I knew that all of these things could never happen for me. Sometimes it was a little upsetting knowing that I could never accomplish the list of things that I wanted to do in my life as a young woman… but then I would think about the little life I was growing in my tummy, and I knew that this new life plan was all happening for a reason.
35 Weeks and 5 Days Pregnant
“Yesterday me, mom, and dad got back from Arizona. We stayed at the Marriott the first two nights we were there while dad had work, and then we switched to the Fairmont Princess hotel where I had my free weekend “babymoon trip” from Ellen Degeneres.” – An excerpt from my diary
Another generous thing Ellen offered in her giveaway was a paid trip to Arizona. So, given my situation, my mama and I packed up for our weekend getaway. We ended up staying in Arizona for about five days instead of just the weekend because my dad had work.
Sadly, I caught the flu on the airplane over to Arizona and I remember I felt so sick that I couldn’t even stand up. Being pregnant made having the flu 10x worse than normal for some reason. Luckily I was able to lay out by the pool without feeling too yucky.
By now I was even bigger, every week it seemed like my stomach was growing inches. I remember when I was laying out, a younger boy who was probably about 8 or so walked by my lounge chair and he was staring at my tummy… while doing so he ended up walking straight into the umbrella stand in front of us.
He was so embarrassed, and my parents and I couldn’t stop laughing because we all knew he ran into it because he was staring at my huge stomach.
I couldn’t blame the poor kid. By now I had strangers coming up to me asking if I was having twins. Kind of embarrassing since there was only one baby in there and it was my first pregnancy. Typically you have the smallest belly size for your first child, and then you get larger with each pregnancy… which now that I’m writing this kind of makes me nervous for when I get pregnant again haha.
“Today I had my last ultrasound. Baby boy is healthy and very very big for how many weeks I am. His heart rate was 123 bpm so he was a little lazy guy today. His femur was measuring in the 85%. His belly in the 97.7%. And his head is in the 98%. I am 35 weeks and 5 days but I am measuring at 39 weeks and 2 days…
My big boy is already 7.11 lbs. They were all saying that this is one of the biggest babies they have seen in a long time. Now they are thinking that I will probably have to do a C- section but my doctor is letting me get induced a week early to try and have him normal.” – An excerpt from my diary
No wonder my tummy was getting so big, it sounded like I was growing a baby Hulk in there. All of those percentages I mentioned in my diary are used to show how he was measuring compared to other babies the same amount of weeks as him.
So basically the measurements show that he was supposed to be way bigger than the average baby his age.
37 Weeks Pregnant
“Today is somewhat a special day, this day, or shall I say early this morning last year marks the day that Arik told me he loved me. I find myself missing him like crazy today. Still can’t believe that he is gone sometimes…
Sometimes I try to convince myself that Arik was nothing, just trash, but truth is, he wasn’t. And if people thought he was, then I don’t care because he was MY trash. And I loved the crap out of him…
I hope he will be there during the birth with me. I don’t know how that all works and how death truly is, but I am just hoping God will lend him for a little bit. I just want to feel his presence…
Sure what he did cheating on me was horrible… but that doesn’t mean what we had wasn’t real, because it was.” – An excerpt from my diary
38 Weeks and 3 Days Pregnant
“My pregnancy is coming to a close. Now it seems that it has gone by fast. I still remember the day I bought my first pregnancy test feeling so scared. Still can’t believe that this all happened, it still does not seem real…
I never thought it would be ME getting pregnant, but I guess life is full of surprises and God sure does have a crazy life plan for me.” – An excerpt from my diary
My pregnancy felt so long because I was so depressed… but like I said before, as it got closer to Hudson’s due date, my depression started easing up and it turned into acceptance (which is the last stage of grief).
Acceptance led to happiness, happiness led to excitement and excitement made me feel like this pregnancy flew by.
“Mccall had little Monroe on Wednesday and she is tiny! Her birth went super well actually. It went smoothly and very quick. I am hoping baby boy is not too big to come out naturally. I have an ultrasound on Monday to see if that is the case…
I am very excited to meet my little man, but I am scared as hell. Scared to give birth, and so scared to be a mom this early and especially alone. But I love this guy so much already, and I can’t believe I am going to be a mom in less than a week!” – An excerpt from my diary
My sister (McCall) who was pregnant at the same time as me had her baby. Which means that I was next in line and the pre-birth jitters were slowly creeping in.
39 Weeks Pregnant
“Well tonight was the night I was going to be induced, but the plan has changed. Two days ago I had an ultrasound to see how big he is, to see if he will be able to fit out or not. The ultrasound technician estimated his weight to be 9 lb. 15 oz. which they said is too big to come out vaginally…
They also said that if I tried to have him vaginally he could get stuck, resulting in the doctor having to break his collarbone to get him out and it would lead him to have health complications. So now a C- section is my only option.” – An excerpt from my diary
Now I was really scared as hell to give birth. When they told me I needed to get a C-section now, my whole stomach felt like it went into knots. The moment I found out I was pregnant I was instantly nervous because I
Growing up, having a baby was one of my biggest fears because I knew you would have to get poked and pricked a lot. For others, this isn’t a big deal, but it is for me. I mentioned in a previous blog post that pain doesn’t bother me. In general I feel like I have a pretty high pain tolerance. Sadly, I have been cursed with squeamishness and if there was one thing I wish I could change about myself… it would be this.
I get high anxiety when I know I have to get my blood work done or even get a finger prick. I get anxiety because I hate the feeling of passing out. Today, I have found ways to get through this. I put my earphones on and blast a happy song and I always make sure I request to lay down for whatever I am getting pricked for. I still will get squeamish or close to passing out, but it helps. If you have issues with squeamishness definitely try it!
5 Days Until Birth
Now as if my fears couldn’t get any bigger, a C- section was now in
On top of that, they also said I had an excess amount of fluid in my stomach… which meant my baby had stopped swallowing the fluid. They said it could mean he had a “stomach obstruction” which would require surgery immediately after he was born.
Worried was an understatement, but I tried not to think too much about it, because at this point there was nothing I could do about it. I just needed to accept the fact that I was going to have a C- section and find ways to reduce my anxiety leading up to it.
“I’m already nervous with anxiety. I pray that I’ll be able to relax and just be calm when it is time. I also really hope Arik will be there… at least his presence. He told me he would be there no matter what, so I’m still holding him to that promise.” – An excerpt from my diary
4 Days Until Birth
My parents and I pulled out the home movies and found the long-lost birth video of my mom giving birth to me. My parents have a video of every child’s birth but for some reason, we could never find mine. I thought my parents probably just forgot to take video of my birth but lo and behold we found it!
It almost put me at ease watching my birth video. My mom had C- sections with all of us. Although, I didn’t actually watch any of the cutting or anything like that because I didn’t want to get freaked out.
It was super cool to see the video. It showed my three other siblings before my mom gave birth all excited and anticipating my arrival… and then it showed them all cuddling me once I was born. It made me happy to see how much my family loved on me.
There were definitely some times during my pregnancy when I felt like I made a huge mistake and that my mistakes made me unlovable at times. Depression had its way of making me feel unworthy of happiness when in reality I always deserved it. So seeing my birth video where my family was loving me unconditionally made me feel so content once again.
A baby is never a mistake, its a gift. A gift from God…who he entrusted in you to deliver to the world. Whether this gift is for you to raise or it’s a gift for someone else who couldn’t have children.
3 Days Until Birth
2 Days Until Birth
My sister Lauren and her little fam flew in for Hudson’s arrival. It meant SO much to me to have the
My sister Lauren and I were close before I got pregnant, but we became even closer after. Lauren was so sympathetic to me during my pregnancy and my struggle with depression. I always felt like I could go to her when I was feeling a certain way or if my parents and I weren’t seeing eye to eye. So more than anything I wanted her to be there for my birth.
1 Day Until Birth
I went to the beach with my entire family. I needed one last day to just unwind before I became a full-time single mom and I needed to get my mind off the fact that I was going to have surgery the following day.
I was so nervous and so excited at the same time. I couldn’t believe that it was finally time to have my son. It kinda felt like Christmas Eve. Every time I thought about meeting my son I would instantly get butterflies.
Later that night I went and got my eyelashes done. I wanted to get eyelashes before I gave birth because you typically can’t wear makeup during surgery (or at least that’s what they told me) and I wanted to look back at photos and feel like I at least looked decent.
I finished getting my eyelashes done and I look down at my phone. I had a new message from Arik’s parents saying that they were coming to California tomorrow for the birth. I instantly felt tremendous anxiety… not because I didn’t want them to come, but because I knew my dad wouldn’t be happy about it.
They told me that they made a last minute decision to come down, and to be honest… I thought it was nice to receive that kind of support from them. I texted my parents and told them that Arik’s parents were coming down for the birth and instantly my dad wasn’t happy about it.
For some reason, my dad thought that I had invited them secretly without letting him know first and I think that’s why he was upset about it. Not necessarily because they were coming, more because he thought I was lying to him and going behind his back, but I wasn’t.
Now my anxiety was kicking in, I didn’t want to deal with all of this drama. I was already super nervous to give birth, and now I was even more nervous about all of the
Then, out of nowhere, my stomach started contracting.
My contractions started coming regularly. Every four to five minutes I would get another contraction.
Because of my anxiety and stress, I was now in labor…
COMING UP: BIRTHDAY
Did you have a birth plan that didn’t go according to plan? Tell me about it! I seriously love hearing from you guys, whether you tell me about your similar experiences or just want to chat!
Leave me a comment and let me know how I am doing! If there is something about my pregnancy or any other aspect of my story that you would like to hear more about, let me know below and I’ll write about it in my next post!