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A Depression That Paradise Couldn’t Even Cure

It’s almost May and I would constantly wonder how I was going to afford a baby. Car seat, stroller, diapers, formula, the list was endless! Having a baby is so expensive the pressure to provide for my son gave me constant anxiety.

My sister, who was also pregnant at the time mentioned to me that she was going to the Ellen Degeneres show for a Mother’s Day giveaway. She had written to them and shared that she had struggled to get pregnant. Hearing about this show made me want to go, but my sister also said she didn’t think that they were accepting any new applicants.

Whichever the case, I figured I had nothing to lose. I wrote to the show and in short told them I got pregnant in college, had left my tennis career behind and lost my boyfriend and baby’s father in a car accident.

In less than an hour, the show responded saying they would love to have me in the audience for the Mother’s Day giveaway. I was completely overjoyed. In that moment I felt like the world was finally on my side.

My sister and I at Ellen’s Mother’s Day Giveaway

20 Weeks and 2 Days Pregnant

“Yesterday I went to Ellen’s Mother’s Day giveaway show and got so many nice things! Now I will be more able to afford this baby! I got gift cards, a year supply of diapers, stroller, car seat, crib, and so much more. I got so spoiled and I am so lucky I got chosen to be on Ellen’s show.” – An excerpt from my diary

I felt lucky then but looking back now, I just feel so incredibly blessed that I was able to go to the Ellen show and receive so many nice things. At the show, they had SO many treats based on what “pregnant women crave”. Donuts, pickles, chocolate covered everything, chips, and so.much.more.

Mark Walberg was one of the guests on the show. He talked about being a father and how he has a pimped out minivan for his kids. Overall, it was such a wonderful experience. Being in the audience brought me sincere joy, a feeling I forgot I had.

Ellen, if you ever read this please know I am SO beyond thankful for you and the support you give your fans/community. Ellen is so kind, so giving & so funny! She showed me the light during my darkest hour and gave me hope for a better tomorrow.

Ellen’s Mother’s Day Giveaway 2015

“Yesterday before the show I also had my 20-week ultrasound which is the “scary ultrasound” because if something is wrong with your baby then you will find out. I have been super worried about this ultrasound since I took steroids for my shoulder injury while I was pregnant and didn’t know.” – an excerpt from my diary

Doctors had previously told me that since I was prescribed and taking steroids for my shoulder injury when I was pregnant, that Hudson could potentially have a cleft lip. A cleft lip is not a life or death diagnosis, but with everything I was dealing with I didn’t want any extra stress about the health and well-being of my son.

“I got a healthy baby boy and I am twenty weeks away from meeting him. I am actually really excited for this little guy to come. I can’t stop myself from staring at ultrasound pictures and wondering what he is going to look like.” -an excerpt from my diary

I would stare at these ultrasound photos all day!

Seeing my baby on the ultrasound was one of the only things that kept me going. I absolutely loved looking at my little guy move around in my tummy. He already looked so cute and more than anything I just couldn’t wait to meet him.

Click here to see my 20-week ultrasound on video

An Escape to Paradise?

After the Ellen Show my mom, dad, and I went to Hawaii because my dad had a business trip, so we made a little vacation out of it.

I would love to say it was super fun, but it wasn’t. Like come on, I am in one of the prettiest places in the world…but my depression was so bad that pretty or not, I was miserable.

We did plenty of fun things like paddleboarding, hanging out at the beach, snow cones, visiting Pearl Harbor… but my mind was constantly clouded. At this point, I got really good at smiling for photos so I could hide all of my sadness from the world.

A picture I smiled for and put on Instagram even though I felt worse than ever.

“How can one still feel so much sadness. I wonder how long it truly will take for me to be without any sadness. Last night I watched the sunset of the beach from our balcony in Hawaii and it was beautiful. The waves were rolling in as the sun made its final appearance in the sky; it was so peaceful. It made me think of him. Whenever I am in beautiful places, I think of him.” – An excerpt from my diary

This is the sunset I talked about in my diary.

I felt bad. I knew my parents were trying so hard to make me feel better and just make me happy… but there was truly nothing during this time that could take away my sadness. I was drowning in my own depression. Happiness was no longer a feeling I knew… when I felt it, it didn’t last long.

“Sometimes I just feel like I could break. I get so sad that I am mad and I just want to throw and break things. I miss him so much it makes me angry, and through it all I put on a tough and happy face and act like nothing is wrong when it is. I just feel like I want to fall asleep and wake up next year or five years from now.” – An excerpt from my diary

My Only Motivation

“Honestly speaking, my baby is my motivation, he is my strength, and I love him already. He doesn’t know it, but he has helped me more than anyone…”

“I want him to be proud of me. That’s truly my life mission now. Taking care of my baby boy, making him happy, and providing the best life for him. I will make him proud that I am his mom, and I am so beyond excited for him to get here. I know it will be hard, and I will constantly be tired… but I know it will all be worth it.” – An excerpt from my diary

When I was pregnant with Hudson I would always call him “my little savior” because I felt like he was truly saving my life. Whether it was from harming myself because I knew he was in my belly, or saving me from destructive habits like excessive drinking.

He is the one who got me on the right path and I knew that he was going to be the one to heal me from the inside out. Quite literally and figuratively.

My little bump at 20 weeks.

I truly believe that God sent Hudson to save me from the path I was on. I can’t imagine a life without him, I really don’t think I would ever feel complete. He changed me in every way for the better.

The Depression Continues

I had so many ups and downs. In my previous journal post, you can tell I was doing a little better that day… but every day was different for me.

Not long after I went to Hawaii, my family and I went on a cruise to the Caribbean. That first day on the ship was one of the worst days I can remember.

We were at the cruise ship sail away party and everyone was dancing and having a good time. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I burst into tears… crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. For some reason seeing everyone have fun and enjoying themselves with their loved ones shattered me.

With everyone in my family being married except me, I felt like the single, pregnant, loser once again and like I said before, I visited some of the prettiest places in the world… and yet I felt so miserable.

Dominican Republic – one of the prettiest places I went on that cruise Summer 2015

“I can’t help but get sad and feel sorry for myself when I realize I’m not bringing a child into this world with a father. I envy those that have their “forever” with them as they bring a child into the world.” – An excerpt from my diary

My depression was so bad that once again my mom wouldn’t let me out of her sight. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere alone, especially the cruise ship hotel room. This irritated me more than anything because I just wanted to be alone but my mom thought I was going to harm myself.

Looking back she had every reason to worry. This was a really dark time for me, and she knew it. She was just being a good mom.

Looking deep into the dark blue ocean as we sailed, part of me wondered what it would be like if I did just jump off the cruise ship. But then as if God himself could hear my thoughts, I would feel my baby kick, and I knew that I needed to be strong for him.

My mom and I on the cruise.

I couldn’t think like that and I couldn’t give in to the darkness that surrounded me. I knew that I was meant to be here and that God did have a plan for me. As brutal as it may be now, in the end, I knew deep down it HAD to get better, or at least that’s what I hoped.

Some of my darkest times, but this is one of my favorite pictures of my bump.

Decisions For Our Future

During all of this, I had difficult decisions to make. I was taking classes throughout my whole pregnancy. I did this so that I still had the option to go back to school and play tennis… because if I didn’t take classes during this time then I wouldn’t be eligible to play NCAA DI tennis.

Originally I didn’t know if I wanted to go back to school to play tennis, especially since I would have a baby going back. But, I thought about my motivation- my son. Why should my life completely stop now that I was having a baby? Why should I give up on my dreams since I was having a baby?

Let me just tell you all something, NEVER give up on your goals and dreams. There will always be a reason or a person trying to stop you… but never let them get in the way. At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for YOU and only you know what’s best.

I had a lot of people tell me they didn’t want me to go back to play tennis, mainly my “friends”. That was pretty hard for me to hear. But I’ll get into this in a later blog post.

The more I thought about my future, the more I realized that I needed to go back and play tennis. Not only would I be able to see my dream through to the end, but I would have my full-ride scholarship back again making my education completely paid for.

My ultimate goal now besides being a great mom, was to get back into shape for the upcoming 2016 tennis season.

This photo was taken April 2014. This was probably the best shape I was in, and I wanted to get back to this after I had my baby!

NEXT WEEK: BABY SHOWER

Earlier this week a 19-year-old girl that went to my school (BYU) committed suicide. She climbed over the railing in one of our buildings at school and jumped… falling four stories. Heartbreaking. I can’t imagine how her family feels right now.

You guys, PLEASE BE KIND TO EACH OTHER! This young girls death may not have to do with whether or not people were kind to her…but you never know when someone is struggling. When I was severely depressed basically no one knew except my family.

Reach out to your loved ones and make sure they know that you love and care for them! Life is too short to leave the littlest things unsaid.

If you are struggling with depression or feel suicidal, please get yourself help, you deserve it! Find a therapist in your area, someone that you can talk to with no judgment or boundaries… and ALWAYS know you can talk to me!

Let me know your thoughts on this week’s post! Leave your comments and thoughts below…I would love to hear from you!

Much Love,

Mayci J

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