I still remember the moment when I went back to my dorm room after spending an evening with my abusive boyfriend. I googled “signs of being in an abusive relationship.” I was so manipulated into believing that I deserved it, that I wasn’t even 100% sure that I was being abused.
After my google search, I clicked on a website that had a list of all the signs of an abusive relationship. I read the list and burst into tears because I could check off every single sign of abuse from the website in my relationship. In the back of my mind, I knew I was being abused but since I was so manipulated by my abuser, I had to check for certain.
My relationship was bad and I knew that, but now it was confirmed. Through my tears I started dialing the “abuse hotline” but I quickly hung up because I was embarrassed. It took a lot of strength for me to finally get out. I was scared and I felt like I was at risk of losing everything.
Once I finally got out, I felt so much better, but there was still a lot of trauma and PTSD that I needed to work on. Instead of facing it head-on, I brushed it under the rug and hid my sadness behind alcohol. At the time it seemed like the only thing that kept me from feeling that abuse again.
When I got pregnant, I couldn’t hide my sadness and PTSD behind alcohol anymore and that is when things got hard for me. I had dreams at least 3 times a week about my abusive ex-boyfriend. In most of my dreams, he was angry at me for being pregnant with someone else’s baby. In these dreams, he also tried to hurt me or say the baby was his. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a hot sweat, scared to even go back to sleep in fear that I may dream about him again.
Recovering from Abuse
Even after four years my abuse still haunted me. I thought it would go away over time without telling anyone, but that wasn’t the case. After four years I finally had the courage to ask for help. That is when I went to therapy for the first time. Therapy helped me realize that my abuse wasn’t my fault and that I was strong just for getting out.
The hardest part for me was realizing that my abuse and rape wasn’t my fault. My therapist looked at me right in the eyes and said, “Mayci you were raped.” He then said it again. That is when it actually registered in my brain. I knew I had been raped, but I didn’t want to actually admit it because it made me feel weak. It made me feel small and stupid and like I was at fault for my own rape. My therapist then said, “how does that make you feel.” I responded with a smile on my face while fighting back tears, “not very good.”
It was so hard for me to be sad in that moment because I didn’t want to look weak or be vulnerable by crying, even in front of my therapist. Looking back this is so crazy, it is completely ok to cry. Crying doesn’t make you look weak, if anything it’s a sign that you are comfortable and confident with your emotions.
The Stronger Domestic Abuse Necklace
Recently my abuse story was shared by The Daily Mail which was super awesome, to say the least. I had someone message me and say they didn’t feel inspired by me anymore because I was “seeking publicity.” I just want to clarify, I have never sought out publicity. I was approached by them to share my story on their platform and I said yes because I knew it could help other women like me and bring more awareness to domestic abuse.
This is why sharing my story has been so important to me. Helping even just one person makes everything worth it for me, and that is exactly why I decided to make the Stronger Necklace. I didn’t mention this previously, but a percentage of every necklace sold is going to be donated back to domestic abuse victims. I want to try my hardest to make an impact, even if it is small.
The Stronger Necklace is so important to me because it is a constant reminder that I am stronger now. My trials, my abuse, and my rape all made me STRONGER and shaped me into the person I am today.
I am so thankful and grateful for your support and love, it truly means the world to me. You are truly my motivation and inspiration to keep showing up every day! If you would like to purchase a Stronger Necklace and help domestic abuse awareness, Click HERE!
Also, I just want to add this: If any of you are struggling and feel alone… you’re not! If you need to talk or vent or anything don’t be afraid to reach out to me, I will always respond to your messages! I know exactly what it feels like to be alone or feel alone and it hurts, so please please please come to me if you need anything!
Like always I will be doing a Q&A on my Instagram tomorrow @maycineeley so make sure you turn your post notifications on and ask away! Also, if you purchase a necklace please add it to your story and tag me! I would love to see it! Also, if you’re new to my blog and story click HERE!