If you are just joining me now for the first time…welcome! Before you continue on, refer to my first blog post The Beginning Pt.1 and start my story from “The Beginning”.
I am about 29 weeks pregnant and together my mom and I decided to throw a baby shower to celebrate the upcoming arrival of my son. It wasn’t something we originally planned because I had been hiding my pregnancy. But word got out at my church that I was pregnant so we figured that since people already knew, it wasn’t that big of a deal anymore.
However, I was still hiding my pregnancy on social media and that killed me inside. I was going through this huge life event and yet I felt like I was supposed to be ashamed of it. At this point I wanted to announce my pregnancy because I was so tired of hiding it and hearing all the rumors that were being spread about me.
YES, so.many.rumors. There were rumors that I had an abortion, miscarriage, etc. My friends would hear them through the grapevine and relay them back to me. Sometimes it was almost entertaining to hear what people were spreading.
At first, it was funny to hear these rumors since they were so extreme… but as time went on it began to wear me out. I felt like I was ready to let people know that I was pregnant and was ready to celebrate it, but my parents didn’t think it was a good idea… yet, so, I respected their wishes.
My baby shower was on July 10th, 2015. I had some of my closest friends, close family and a few ladies from our church.
The day before my shower, my brother and sister- in-law took me to the beach to take some maternity photos to display at the shower. It made me feel good inside; showing off my bump on camera, especially since it was something I never got to do. If they hadn’t offered to do this, I wouldn’t have nice photos of my cute little bump to look back on today.
My shower was powder blue and white. I had an obsession with baby elephants (still do) so my cake had a little baby elephant on top. My mom made gorgeous flower arrangements and we had all the makings for a fun party.
We ate, socialized, and then I opened gifts! It was strange finally being able to celebrate my son. This was the first time I felt like I didn’t have to hide or feel ashamed that I was pregnant out of wedlock.
My baby shower was so great and my mom made it super special for me. Everything from the decor to the dessert was just perfect. It was just what I needed at the time, it made me feel “normal” again.
Being with my friends definitely helped my depression. Laughing and just forgetting about my sucky situation made me feel so much better. Overall, it was so nice spending time with people who loved and supported me. Their love and support made me even more excited to meet my baby boy.
31 Weeks and 6 Days Pregnant
“I honestly now feel for all of the people that deal with depression because it seriously is the worst and hardest thing ever. There are times where I seriously could care less if I died. Such a horrible thing to say considering how many people have it worse than me, but I really can’t help it.” – An excerpt from my diary
Like I said in my previous posts, every day was different for me. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed because I was debilitated by my depression. But, some days I was okay… not great, but okay. Doing things to prepare me for the baby would usually help lift my spirits… like shopping for cute newborn clothes.
Growing up I always hated shopping, I think it’s because I was more of a tomboy. I spent a good amount of time with my brother and dad at the baseball fields. But I also spent a good amount of my time at my sister’s tennis matches.
My mom and sisters would always drag me along when they went shopping for clothes and I absolutely hated it. My sisters are fairly older than me so I never enjoyed the places they would want to shop at. To this day, as a grown woman I still don’t love shopping. But every once in a while I kinda enjoy it. I love clothes but I hate searching for them.
“Gosh. It’s just pain. So much pain. Crazy how a couple of poor decisions can bring unhappiness so quick. Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby boy and I would not trade him for the world, but this situation I am in is just so difficult.” – An excerpt from my diary
Being pregnant without a significant other is really hard. Even if you have family and friends to love and support you, there’s still a void.
I would like to add that my mom was absolutely amazing throughout my entire pregnancy. She went through it ALL with me. The blood draws, finger pricks, tears, pain and much more. I don’t think she truly knew how severe my internal depression and struggles were but I know she did her best to try and keep me as happy as humanly possible.
This time in my life brought me closer than ever to my parents. Even now because of this experience I went through, we have developed a special bond that I am forever grateful for! I sometimes miss our weekend date nights. I really became my parent’s third wheel when I got pregnant…but in a good way, of course!
32 Weeks and 6 Days Pregnant
As my pregnancy got closer to the end I felt like I started getting more optimistic. My son seemed like the only good thing in my life and at this point and it was the only thing I wanted or looked forward to.
“It’s been pretty hard for me to breathe lately which kind of sucks and I get really sore feet and my back hurts after walking a lot… but other than that it’s not too bad.” – An excerpt from my diary
As far as my pregnancy went, I didn’t experience any major side effects or struggles. No morning sickness or severe health problems whatsoever. Aside from my depression and inability to sleep here and there, it was pretty smooth sailing.
I also feel like I didn’t show for a long time, but once I hit 32 or so weeks I started to get BIG, fast. It came out of nowhere. My legs got bigger, my arms thicker, face swollen, and my stomach very large!
34 Weeks and 5 Days Pregnant
“Today was just like any other day. Although, I got lunch with my friend Frankie and we talked for a long time and it was super nice! She’s honestly such a good friend to me, and she is so sweet. Later in the day, I had another doctors appointment with my OB. Next week I have my last ultrasound (36 weeks) and I think they try to estimate the baby’s weight…
One bad item of news from today’s appointment was that my blood pressure was very high, so they want me to buy a blood pressure cuff to make sure it’s not increasing because it can be VERY dangerous they said.” – An excerpt from my diary
Every time I had a doctors appointment I would get so excited…unless I had to get my blood drawn or pricked by a needle in any way. But because I wanted to know more about the sweet little angel growing inside of my tummy, I took every needle like a champ. Like I’ve previously mentioned, I would stare at ultrasound photos and videos I took during my ultrasounds often.
“FINALLY I posted on Instagram. My mom and dad said it was now a good time to do so since I am almost 35 weeks pregnant. I have only received positive feedback (not like anyone would say anything negative to my face)…
But it just feels so good to finally get it out there and not feel like I am hiding anything. I sure am excited to meet my baby boy! Just nervous about the whole birth part haha.” – An excerpt from my diary
So when I finally announced my pregnancy to the world it felt SO amazing to put everything out in the open. I finally felt free. I no longer felt like the family disappointment or feel like I had to be ashamed of myself. Now I felt like I was ready to have this baby!
It was also interesting to see how people reacted to my pregnancy. I had some friends (who I wasn’t super close with) have no idea about any of it, and some who probably suspected it. Either way, at this point I felt like I was finally being true to myself.
My depression also subsided a bit which was super nice. My anxiety about hiding my pregnancy completely went away. But the fact that my depression wasn’t as bad was HUGE for me. The closer it got to meeting my son, the happier I became!
- SANDWICHES- Oh my gosh I don’t know why I couldn’t get enough. This was one of my first pregnancy symptoms! I would get the footlong sandwiches, chips, and a drink and I would still be ready for dessert haha.
- SPICY- So if you know me, you’ll know that I love love love spicy foods in general. The more spice the better! Once I got pregnant that craving was enhanced 10x. I craved to honestly just burn my mouth off sometimes.
- DESSERT- I am usually a chocolate person, but when I was pregnant I craved tart frozen yogurt with strawberries and chocolate chips. I still loved chocolate but the tart froyo was definitely out of the ordinary for me.
- The two things I could not stand when I was pregnant was
salad,and any type of asianfood. SO random. I only wanted carbs, any kind of salad made me gag. Same with asianfood… it made me feel kind of sick even smelling it.
I know this blog post ends abruptly, BUT I have a little surprise. I decided to write a lot about the end of my pregnancy and the events leading up to my due date! So, I have another blog post for you guys that I will be dropping THIS WEDNESDAY!
I will be talking about my deterred birth plan, feelings leading up to my due date, and sharing some photos that I haven’t shared previously. I am also going to add another ultrasound video that I absolutely LOVE that was taken less than a week before I had Hud.
I am super excited to share all of these memories with you. It’s super special for me and it’s almost like I am re-writing the sad parts of my past and making them positive. I used to feel ashamed of myself and my pregnancy but now that I am sharing it with all of you I feel PROUD! And that is such a great feeling.
Nothing gets me more excited and motivated to write and share things than hearing from you guys!
SO, if you’re excited for Wednesday’s post like I am, leave me a comment below and let me know!